am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
