I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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