I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
