i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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