Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
