How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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