I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
