saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
