shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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