Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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