now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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