meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found the puke drawer
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
