I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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