I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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