theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My breasts were aching with rage.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
