life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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