I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
