can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
