I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
