Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
