If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
