dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
