I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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