Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
