Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
