oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
