It was confusing and full of hummus
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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