nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
