I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't put those talents on a resume
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
