Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
