can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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