you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
