I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
