My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
