U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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