I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she peed on how many people?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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