So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
