that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
