i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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