i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
