just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
