Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
