I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
