dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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