He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
