True but thats because hes a fetus.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
