You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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