You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
