So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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