So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
