But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
