I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
