i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
