you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
