I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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