Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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