YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
