The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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