he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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