My friends, they love my intelligence
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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