So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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