She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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