: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
